So, I’m not sure how to start this thing… every time I try, I get cold feet. Yet, the millisecond I walk away from it, I feel… empty.

Of course, knowing me, I’ll spend countless minutes rambling on and on talking about talking about what I need to talk about…yet never really talking about it.

I wonder why that is.

Why is it so difficult? I WANT the tears to come, yet… the moment they hint at making an appearance, I chase them away. I haven’t cried in three years. I used to cry all the time. I hated it. Made me feel “weak”. Now, I just feel “empty”.

I’ve done everything I can to purge emotions in a “healthy” way… from singing to painting, to writing fictional stories/poems, etc. yet…all that is accomplished is the emotions are masked, not purged. Like the alcoholic who dilutes the whiskey with coke, thinking more soda=less drunk, when all it does is prolong the inevitable.

I’ve even tried to go “cold-turkey” by distracting my brain with humor…turning the radio dial from memory-enhancing music to Pandora’s Stand-up Comedy…but there’s a reason AA is a Cult for alcoholics. Without that 30/30, sobriety never lasts long.

But…it’s been bottled up for so damn long, I really couldn’t tell you where “it” begins. As soon as I try to, my thoughts become muddled. So, I say “Ok, I’m not ready yet”… I walk away from it…and in a second my brain floods with so much to say…until…I actually TRY to say it.

So… just bear with me, for it seams the only way “it” will come out is through endless day-to-day self-reflection. Heh, I don’t even know what “it” is anymore. Just that “it” IS.